I got my ticket for the long way 'round, the one with the prettiest of views

     So I finally got the email I've been waiting for, and honestly, hoping for.  I was convinced that it wouldn't come and nothing would happen.  Life would go on as usual.  It came though, and it really stirred me to think about things-the why and what of things.  Namely, why am I so excited and what can I possibly do that's anything worthwhile?

     I'm being deployed with Team Rubicon to Oklahoma to aid relief efforts.  If you don't know what Team Rubicon is, or have never heard of them, go HERE.  They're awesome.  No, I'm not a veteran, but I do possess the fire training and EMT training they're looking for.  

     So why am I so excited to go charging head first into a disaster?  To put myself in possible danger of another disaster?  Seems a *bit* odd, don't you think?  Well, I always wanted to be a firefighter and when I finally did, it was the most fulfilling thing I've ever done.  I guessed it was kind of ingrained in me to run into the places most people would run from.  Some people will tell you they have a "calling", something they were destined to do.  I never believed in that until I realized that I couldn't just stand by and watch while someone needed help.  It was a greater nagging thought than any anxiety ridden, OCD thought I've ever had.  It consumed me and I didn't feel right until I finally did something about it.  That's when I decided to join Team Rubicon, in the hopes that, if the need ever arose, I could help.  Well, it did when that F5 tornado hit Moore, OK.  Now, I'm going out to help someone start living their life again, to salvage even just a small piece of normalcy for someone who's world has been turned on it's head and spun like a top.  THIS is the thought that gives me such great joy.  THIS is what I can't wait to do.  I know that it's going to be gut-wrenching, heart breaking, and just damn hard work.  I went through all this with my grandparents after their house was devastated by Hurricane Katrina.  To watch them lose almost absolutely everything, still breaks my heart to this day.  I remember vividly how my Nanny (that's what we called my grand mom) cried as she carefully picked through the sodden remains of her hope chest.  I also learned more about both my grandparents that week than I ever had in my previous 27 years on earth (ooh...totally just gave away my age....oh well).  Their gratitude was something more than I could ever even fully take in.  It was a connection that touched them, and bounced back to me.  

     I asked myself over and over, 'Is this REALLY as selfless as you'd like others to believe it is?  Or are you looking for some sort of hero's glory?'  This bothered me.  I didn't think that those were my motives, but then am I really going to admit to MYSELF that' I'm just weird freak glory hunting?  Doubtful.  So, being the linear-minded being that I am, I set upon the task of examining the mental process I went through when I decided to sign up.  I remembered the days I spent wondering if it was the right thing to do, being a mother of two.  Is it fair to them that I do this?  While I came to the conclusion that probably no, it wasn't fair, I couldn't stop the nagging of the thought in my mind.  Then it hit me-there may not be a clear sense of fairness in this situation, but I'll be leading by example.  Help others for the sake of helping, not because you can get something out of them.  Would I want someone to help me were the roles reversed?  Absolutely.  Why not pay it forward?  They may miss me for a week, but what they learn will stick with them for a lifetime.  I don't even have to say a word to them.  They will look back on this time, later in life when they examine the roles their parents played in molding who they were and see what I did.  I'm very proud of that fact.
      Beyond what my children may get out this whole thing, someone out there in Oklahoma will be able to start their lives again, because I helped.  If I can give someone a brighter day, a smile, a wisp of a hope, then I've done what I feel "called" to do.  I can't justify in my head standing by watching while someone, many, out there would give all they have to only be worried about getting their daughter to lacrosse practice.  Many out there would give anything just to see their child again.  I am very blessed to have that luxury.
      In the end, I realized I was over thinking the whole thing and reassured myself that I was doing this for all the right reasons.  That somewhere in that dark sarcastic heart of mine, I actually did believe in the good of the world.  I believe that people can be so kind and beautiful if they let themselves see the world around them for the basics of what it is-humankind simply trying to make their way through something with an expiration date.  So why not make it beautiful along the way?  Why not help someone else's heart fill with gratefulness and beauty when all they stand in is devastation?
     I realized how much I crave a simple life.  I want to be able to just appreciate it and show others how wonderful it is, underneath all the noise and distractions and timetables.  I can give someone this beauty by simply being there to help. I have to go.
     My bags are packed, I'm ready to go....